I know it’s been awhile since I sent you a letter. It’s not that I stopped believing in you, honest. I just figured you were busy enough without my requests. Well that, plus I figured I was on the naughty list for awhile, with all of my miscreant behavior in my early college years. I didn’t want to chance getting coal.
But I can tell you with certainty that I’ve straightened up and forfeited my bad behavior (excluding the occasional glass of wine, but I hear that’s good for your heart.) So this year, I figured I’d write — just to be sure you had taken notice of my new-found sense of responsibility and moved me back to the nice list.
This year, my Christmas list is a little different than those from my childhood. I don’t expect toys or candy (well maybe a little candy would be okay). Instead, these are the things I’m asking for:
- Caesar Millan — Do you have any connections with the Dog Whisper, Santa? I’m sure you could pull some strings and have him come train my dog. I’m running out of socks and shoes and I’m getting tired of chasing him barefoot.
- Cooler weather — No offense, Santa, but quit hogging all of the snow and winter weather up there at the North Pole. It’s 80 miserable degrees outside today. I walked Toby in shorts and a tank top last night. If you can fit down my chimney you can surely send a little of that snow my way. You’re magic. Quit wasting it. Please?
- An elf or two — Is that possible? I know you have plenty of them. Do they reproduce? I’m sure you have an over-population issue on your hands. Send a couple my way. If they can make toys, I’m positive they can wash dishes, do laundry and keep my house clean.
Well, I guess that’s about it. (Unless you’d like to take care of my bills or pay my rent for awhile. No? Well, it was worth a shot.)
I hope you are having a wonderful holiday season, Santa.
Eagerly awaiting my dog-training, snow-bringing, house-cleaning elf,