"Be soft. Do not let the world make you hard. Do not let the pain make you hate. Do not let the bitterness steal your sweetness. Take pride that even though the rest of the world may disagree, you still believe it to be a beautiful place."
-- Unknown

Wednesday, December 17, 2008

My letter to Santa

This week's writing prompt from MamaKat: Write a letter to Santa.

Dear Santa,

I know it’s been awhile since I sent you a letter. It’s not that I stopped believing in you, honest. I just figured you were busy enough without my requests. Well that, plus I figured I was on the naughty list for awhile, with all of my miscreant behavior in my early college years. I didn’t want to chance getting coal.

But I can tell you with certainty that I’ve straightened up and forfeited my bad behavior (excluding the occasional glass of wine, but I hear that’s good for your heart.) So this year, I figured I’d write — just to be sure you had taken notice of my new-found sense of responsibility and moved me back to the nice list.

This year, my Christmas list is a little different than those from my childhood. I don’t expect toys or candy (well maybe a little candy would be okay). Instead, these are the things I’m asking for:
  1. Caesar Millan — Do you have any connections with the Dog Whisper, Santa? I’m sure you could pull some strings and have him come train my dog. I’m running out of socks and shoes and I’m getting tired of chasing him barefoot.
  2. Cooler weather — No offense, Santa, but quit hogging all of the snow and winter weather up there at the North Pole. It’s 80 miserable degrees outside today. I walked Toby in shorts and a tank top last night. If you can fit down my chimney you can surely send a little of that snow my way. You’re magic. Quit wasting it. Please?
  3. An elf or two — Is that possible? I know you have plenty of them. Do they reproduce? I’m sure you have an over-population issue on your hands. Send a couple my way. If they can make toys, I’m positive they can wash dishes, do laundry and keep my house clean.
See, those things aren’t that difficult, right? You don’t have to make anything or spend any money at all. In fact, I’d be willing to barter with you — I’ll give you something in return. Twenty somethings. I have about 20 extra pounds of weight just hanging around that I don’t need, and there are scrawny, malnourished children all over the world. I’d be glad to sacrifice some of my poundage for their benefit. I’m here to help. I’m not stingy.

Well, I guess that’s about it. (Unless you’d like to take care of my bills or pay my rent for awhile. No? Well, it was worth a shot.)

I hope you are having a wonderful holiday season, Santa.

Eagerly awaiting my dog-training, snow-bringing, house-cleaning elf,


Anonymous said...

Heather, thanks for the giggles girl! I LOVED this post.


Diane said...

This was a riot! And way nicer than my letter to Santa. I might have to edit before I post. I love the 20 extra pounds for malnourished kids... hell, given that thinking, I could fatten up an entire village!! Oh, and if you do get in touch with the Dog Whisperer, send him my way. I don't need him but there's a woman I see in the park every day who does... or I'm going to run her (and her dog) over with my car. How's that for Christmas spirit?!

Anonymous said...

Well look it's Santa himself, hey Santa (M) where you been? When does Heather get her stuff?

LOL, couldn't resist sis.

Love ya.


Mel said...

I love your letter! You don't ask for much, really. I think Santa should get you those things! In the big scheme of life, they're fairly small requests. (and if that weight transfer thing works out, I'm seeing a whole new industry we can start working on in addition to the special clothes store. Of course, then we wouldn't need the special clothes store...hmmm)

Now post some about your miscreant early college years. That would be fun for us!

Jessica said...

haha.. this was a good one! I'm with you on the weather thing and when you're done with your elves could you please pass them on this way. I just want to unload some of my weight on them. I have 28 lbs to get rid of and giving it to them would be much much easier than the plan I have laid out.

Jenners said...

This was great!!! You totally had me laughing! The 20 pounds thing was classic! And I want my own elf ... why didn't I think of that? He's got to have some extras up there! And from all your recent posts, you DEFINITELY need to get Cesar Milian (or however you spell his name) right away! A+++++++++++++

J Cosmo Newbery said...

All fair requests. Should be a doddle for the old guy.

Lacey said...

Oh man, if I wrote a letter to Santa, it would be identical to yours!

Need Dog Whisperer, pronto. Did the dog lessons. Read the self-help books. Need someone who speaks dog. PRONTO!

Need something other than "tank-top weather." Like, hellooooo... it's supposed to be Christmas!!!

Need elves. Lots of them. That are willing to clean my house in exchange for... um... dog food? Me keeping the tree up year round? Law & Order reruns?

J Cosmo Newbery said...

I hope you have a very merry Christmas, that Santa brings you everything you deserve and that it doesn’t take too long to work off the effects of Christmas dinner.

Thank you for being part of what has been a fascinating year for me.

Damama T said...

LOL!! Now those are some practical requests. And how kind of you to offer to share your waist wealth with poor starving children. You must be drinking a lot of wine to have a heart that good. ;o)

HI! I popped over from Mama Kats on my weekly random tour of posts. This is by far the best Santa letter I've seen so far.

If you have time and some tissues, I'd love to see you over at my place to read about the Best Christmas Present. Ever.

TTFN and GOOD LUCK with that wish list! I hope you get (and give) everything on it.