"Be soft. Do not let the world make you hard. Do not let the pain make you hate. Do not let the bitterness steal your sweetness. Take pride that even though the rest of the world may disagree, you still believe it to be a beautiful place."
-- Unknown
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Wednesday, June 24, 2009

Help wanted

Weekly writing assignment from Mama Kat: Create a Help Wanted Ad. (inspired by Jenners)

Wanted:
Diligent reader to review and report upon the eleventy-billion blogs I’ve missed in the past week. Applicants must have an impeccable memory and keen sense of humor. Must be willing to post witty comments under my username. Only payment will be my undying appreciation. Nonnegotiable.

Wanted:
An individual skilled in the art of canine obedience. Applicants must be patient, firm and tolerant of loud, obnoxious barking. Should be able to reinforce the idea that kittens are not chew toys. Will be expected to trim razor-sharp puppy talons on a regular basis. Hog wrestling experience is a plus.

Wanted:
Human alarm clock. Applicant must be willing to stand motionless for eight hours. At determined time, must turn on the lights, turn off the ceiling fan and remove my covers. If I still remain in bed, qualified applicant must turn on loud music and physically remove me from my comfortable spot of slumber. Will be expected to continue efforts until I am fully awake and functional. Omelet-making skills will increase chance of hire.

24 comments:

RileyScott said...

Well, that sucks, Now no one will respond to my Human alarm clock ad. And they are oh so hard to find

Diane said...

The hog wrestling bit made me snort!

Hey, if you do find the human alarm clock, and he's cute, I'll pay him more to relocate to VA ;)

New Girl on Post said...

This made me giggle!

Children of the Nineties said...

I could use a human alarm clock. My boyfriend sometimes asks me to be his, though thankfully I don't have to stand for 8 hours. I just have to physically throw him out of bed.

Kim said...

If you find good candidates please give them my number especially for jobs one and three!

Hope you are doing well!

Anonymous said...

You're so funny! :)
AJ

septembermom said...

Really funny! Love the human alarm clock. I can use someone for that position:)

~Thought's By Dena~ said...

hehe this was funny!!!

Kitten said...

Mmmm...omelettes...especially with homefries drenched in ketchup...mmmmm...and extra strong black coffee...mmmm...and let's add a biscuit to go with that...

I'm hungry all of a sudden...can't imagine why...

Brunch at Saks said...

Just found your lovely blog! This post made me laugh out loud! I want a "human" alarm clock too :) XO

Lacey said...

I need all of these things soooo badly. Especially #1! And #2. Oh, and #3. Sigh.

Michelle said...

Oh yes, number 3...that's easy...get a toddler.

sherri said...

Soory, I can't help you cause I'll be busy looking for these people myself!

Isabel Princes said...

I came to apply for the human alarm clock job... but then realized my plate is full with two kids and a hubby. I'll reapply in a few years :)

S Club Mama said...

I agree with Michelle about #3 - my toddler is like that too! So cute. I love the canine one with the kittens not being chew toys!

Slices of Beauty... said...

Ha ha really cute!

Lovely blog.

Grammy Suzzy and DJ Doran said...

I just loved all, but especially the blog reader/commenter for hire. I am just in fear of ever leaving town on a weekday!

H.K. said...

Well, if you get the human alarm clock and it works out well, do you think you could loan it to me for a few days? And if the human alarm clock is male and looks really Hot, I may need it for a few weeks, then again I'll have to put the hubby in another room.

Dan Felstead said...

Heather...
Great post...you definitely have a future in writing classifieds!

Dan

p.huong said...

Ad #1: Sorry, I'm behind on my blogs too =/

Ad #2: I love playing with dogs... other peoples dogs, but I don't think I'm patient enough to have my own pet.

Ad #3: I am the world's worst human alarm clock. You can ask any of my roommates about it. I'll tug at your pillow and blanket, and once you nod your head at me, I leave thinking you got the message. Thirty minutes later, I'm back in bed too. This weekend, the friends came down to LA for vacation and not once were we on time for anything (not even for Marine's graduation, but he doesn't know that.)

Foursons said...

Oh now I am kicking myself. Your first wanted ad made me realize I should have written mine for MckMama like wolverines to follow me and tell me how wonderful I am. Darn it!

CJ said...

I'll take the blog reader and the human alarm clock. You can keep the canine obedience trainer.

I’m sponsoring my first GIVEAWAY. Join in here:
http://proartz.blogspot.com/2009/06/giveaway-1-scavenger-hunt.html

Jenners said...

OK ... these are pure genius! I would love a blog reader too! What a fantastic idea!

Mama Kat said...

Oh my gosh that last one is classic. Maybe the person designated to wake you up could also rub your back and in a comforting voice whisper, "sweetie...rise and shine!"