Sorry for the sad (but indeed lovely) quote from earlier. Those few words seemed to sum up my thoughts perfectly. But I fear it's time to dig within and type things out. I hear Blogger can be quite therapeutic.
So, if you'd like to skip this post, feel free. No hard feelings. This is more for me than anything else. I'm writing another post about my first guitar lesson that will be much more upbeat. You're welcome to wait for that one.
But if you're still here, let's get started.
Anyone that knows me, knows how much I care about my boyfriend. It's no secret. He's been my best friend for years. I love him beyond words. When we started dating, I knew things would be difficult. He has a daughter (who I adore) that is a big part of his life (as she should be). He also has a job with the county that keeps him from moving. A job he loves. A job he doesn't want to leave. A job working nights, 10 p.m.-7 a.m., to be exact. I work days. At a job I love. In another county. Which is why we've been living an hour and a half away from each other since May. Needless to say, that makes things extra difficult. Not to mention the fact that he has 100 acres of land and 40 something head of cattle to tend to when he's not working. His time is stretched pretty thin.
Then there's the fact that he's emotionally challenged. Conversations become routine. Mundane. Repetitive. Predictable. We talk, yet barely speak.
I've kept myself from making friends in this new, unfamiliar town for fear of putting even more distance between us. And as a result, I've made myself pretty miserable. My life becomes bland. Stale. Boring. Monotonous. I live, yet it's no life.
The bottom line is this: I want more. I want someone to talk to over dinner. Someone to hold hands with while we watch a movie. Someone to go on walks with (that doesn't require a leash). To laugh with. To fuss with (when necessary). To just be with. And I don't see that life with him. He seems so set in his ways. I know he's had a tough life, but as a result, he's put up walls that even I can't seem to break through. And as patient as I've tried to be, I'm reaching my breaking point.
And it kills me, because I really do love him. I hate to see him hurt. I don't want to be the cause of that. He's a good man. He's funny, sweet, intelligent - but at the same time, he's stubborn, and seemingly unwilling to compromise about a lot of things. Important things.
We talked about a lot of this today. Really tried to hash things out. It's funny how eager he is to talk about feelings when he thinks he might lose me. Suddenly, instead of all walled-up, he becomes a gushing fountain of emotions. Promising me the world and all it has to offer. Whatever it takes to make it work. But my question is this: Why does it have to come down to me ending things before he's capable of showing me this side of him? It's so frustrating.
What do you do when you're afraid the person you love can't give you the life that you want? Do you compromise your love for your life, or your life for your love?
Which is it?